Okay, I'm Jesus Oldman. Hi, World. Yeah, hope we all make it through this insanity.... My band, the simple answer is they're a bunch of friends of mine. Used to be called BEATLESEX. Now we're Jesus & The APOSTLES... The complicated answer, is still they're a bunch of friends of mine. They live someplace else.. like another plane of existence. Less said the better, you wouldn't believe me. So yeah, I either have help, or one guy did all this. Either view works for me. The band decided on the name "The Apostles" because I'm Jesus and they're a bunch of freakin' smartasses. It sounds cool though. It's been busy years... it has for us anyway... Our Home, is Here, SOUNDCLICK. THE TRUE JESUS OLDMAN HEADQUARTERS. ...bandcamp simply was chronologically earlier, so yes, there are a few Jesus Oldman albums there, that are not here... that having been said... by now, I have reissued some of our better older songs, so they're mostly here now anyway... SoundClick, IS, Headquarters to JESUS OLDMAN & THE APOSTLES... Why? People actually listen to the music here, I am happy about this. It's just... Music... not some clique scene... SoundClick Gets MORE LISTENERS. That's Kind Of Important. It is to us.

We grew instruments and began making a noise, eventually we refined this noise into what you hear now. Well we keep trying to refine it, without losing our edge. Periodically we take a long break, forget how to play, and have to start all over again.

Any special memories? Uh... Have I ever performed in front of an audience... yes, many times, most memorably, in 1985, leading the back up band for Tiny Tim (anyone remember him?) ... it was spur of the moment, Tim had shown up with no band, the promoter begged us to do it, the band was silent, all eyes turned to me, I said 'okay, sure'... Tim did not rehearse with us, nor did he tell us what songs he was going to play... most of his repertoire was actually standards---from the nineteenth century---none of us knew them! I however had the best ears in the band, so I told them all to 'just follow me'... I followed what Tiny Tim played, the band followed me. That was the first time anyone asked me for my autograph. "You stole the show!" some young lady told me... What, just 'cause I leaped around the stage like an Energizer Bunny with the guitar blaring? Okay. Thanks.

Okay let's refresh this... one of the Apostles is not exactly like the others, she's close though... most of 'em are he, she's she, although...um, well anyway... we all influence each other... and we all are responsible and we do not drive under the influence, especially of each other, that would be disastrous... we do egg each other on in the studio though... we're that way. You know, we listen... it all goes in... we'll use anything and everything... we're not specifically tied to one explicit genre... we call it "Alternative General" I think, 'cause, it sounds most like "Anything and Everything We Bloody Well Feel Like Playing"... ...then we play something else. We'll do that too now and again.

any and everything, I'm that way... honestly? Poor boy stuff... you'd be amazed at everything I can do with almost nothing. Well that's a simple, and very true answer. I know, some people like to rattle it off, brag about they have a K-T-Zapadoodle Module with a Zork Constant Wammajammer 3000... that stuff, bragging about equipment, puts me to sleep... you can have all that stuff, if you can't still just bang out a tune that people are gonna wanna hear, then that stuff doesn't really matter. It's less the pen and more how you sign your name... got some guitars, a bass or two, percussion instruments... I do a lot with not a lot. Well, WE do, but I'm the only physical apparatus. Yeah we're a whole band where the only living member is me. It's called Channeling.

So... what else? Thanks for listening, and please keep listening, because we really are trying to make The Bestest Greatest Music In The World, not to be big-headed about it... What does it take to do that? Well, so far we seem to have narrowed it down to, simplicity as a default, complexity as an off-set to simplicity, (in other words, to keep the simplicity from getting boring...) always, honesty, and, really, honesty to a greater degree than most people will EVER bother with using in general speech. On account of what a banana boat this world kind of is. Like, you have this world, it's nuts, and you have, all these people, kind of pretending like 'oh, this is normal'. What IS normal? I think it's a statement of "I don't wanna know how nuts it all is, I'll be normal instead." I suspect, to a large degree, normal does not actually exist... The Apostle who's a Girl, likes to tell me, "Everyone has their own brand of crazy" I think this is true. So... Maybe you came here, looking for a clue... "How can you DEAL WITH THIS WORLD BETTER, Jesus?" Don't let it make you shrink. Rise up in it's face. It'll still be a crazy-ass world, but that does not mean you have to give it an easy time about it. Dare To BE YOU. In Living COLOR And PANORAMIC STEREO. And if anyone gives you a hard time, Tell 'em Jesus is a Personal Friend, and Mellow The F*** Out. Oh. Right. I should say something Theology-ish too, shouldn't I. What with being JESUS and all. There is ONE God. No matter what you Call God. And, you wanna know? No Denomination Has Yet Completely "nailed it"... so, instead of working with a belief structure, go for, an idea... And the more you look around, the more you get, FORD, The BETTER IDEA. Only Mustang Makes It Happen. Okay that last two things I said; I'm just being a friggin' idiot. It happens sometimes. Sorry. Love, JESUS & The Apostles... Anything you guys wanna say? JOHN: I don't know Him. He's bigger though, He'll kick my ass if I don't admit that. GEORGE: I know Him, He's a very nice fellow isn't He. Well, John's a bit obnoxious, so, do the math.. BUDDY: Wha? Huh? You didn't tell me I gotta say anything here, Man. Have Heart, Have Faith, Land on your feet... SUE: I'm actually kind of proud of you. Oh wow. Thanks, Sue. Right back at ya. SUE: By the way, it's Goldstein. JESUS: I wrote that, Leslie Sue... SUE: You wrote Goldberg on some of the songs... JESUS: Next time I'll write Goldfarb, how's that? SUE: Bite me. JESUS: Sure Kid, whatever. Anytime. Anytime at all. JESUS OLDMAN Presents... an old joke, which I still think is funny... If you call yourself on the phone and get a busy signal, are you actually busy? And now... this. A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar... the drinks nearly ARE twenty bucks. Not funny anymore. By the way, most of this nonsense is entirely self-indulgent... if you learn how to do it, then do it. try to enjoy what you're doing. if someone else likes it, great. but little point is there, to following a trend, or trying to anticipate what it is one perceives a particular 'market' may want... I can't create like that. I think in sounds. I hear a sound, it'll bounce around in my head, then I'll wake up from a dream, with a song in my head. That's when you gotta get up, and preserve enough of it that you don't lose the thing. 'Cause it'll go. And you'll be in the morning like 'how'd that go', and God will laugh.