Hello, I am the Delivery System. I have some instruments and a computer. In the next chapter I talk about how I hit cardboard boxes with broken felt tip pens as a child, and filled empty milk bottles with varying amounts of liquid... admittedly this had nothing to do with music whatsoever, I was attempting to create rocket fuel, in order to blast myself to the moon, whilst simultaneously burning down the house next door. In any case, I now put the milk bottles to far better use.

Does anyone ever read this? Oh... sheesh... if you insist..... *sigh*... you realise that I could have had my Shadow Priest up to level 18 in the time it takes to write all this out? I'm gonna be really, really detailed and tedious now, thattle learn 'em... Ok, started with the milk bottles and boxes thang in the dawn of time, I'd record the boxes using a Tandy mono tape recorder, play it back and record me hitting the bottles and singing at the same time. It was during this early period, in which classic punk songs such as 'Margaret Thatcher is a Lump of Poo' were forged within the white hot crucible of creativity that my bedroom had become. Borrowed my Mum's old Bontempi reed organ and experimented with that, forming my first band, featuring myself on organ, and a friend on cardboard boxes. Punk wasn't working on an organ, so got my first guitar as a birthday present, a Fender copy, learned to knock out a simple three or four melody using the bottom E string, and used it to compose songs. Teamed up with another friend (whose amazing drum kit featured one empty petrol can, a saucepan and one cardboard box) and recorded my first proper demo tape. Experimented with various bands, going through endless and confusing changes in name and line up, and Captain Comatose and the Surrogate Gerbils were eventually born. By this time, I'd learned to play an actual bar chord. Recorded some more demos - wonderous works of crystaline Brilliance such as 'Rebellion F**k the System', 'Zits', and 'F**k Tory W**kers'. Did some giggy stuff, got gobbed at, disbanded, re-formed, more line up changes then split blah blah blah..... Months passed, started putting together a second band actually progressed to recording a 4 track demo (which you can find here on Soundclick if you have good detective skills) before splitting again. Decided I'd had it with bands, and to go it alone. Early solo recordings, starting with very primitive equipment, tape overdubbings, and gradually accumulating a cheap Casio keyboard, an old Jen SX1000 synth and a cheapo drum machine. Started recording songs onto tape like crazy, these recordings still exist.... to my eternal shame.... Stuff I accumulated could never quite give me the sound I was looking for, and I was constantly trying to push past the equipment limitations, and experiment with new things. Hammering away on various inanimate household objects, splicing in tape loops, and radio recordings. Continued to accumulate bits of kit, and techniques over the years. First use of a computer in my music occured around 1997, when I got hold of a programme that allowed me to type out midi notes on the PC keyboard and save it as a midi file. Got hold of some Dance eJay programme in 1999, and worked out how to convert the freehand midi files into wav format, and import them into the eJay so as to essentially use it as a kind of ghetto music sequencer, supplementing my home recordings with a few of the stock eJay loops to make it sound better. Had no duplex recording facilities at this time, so still had to overdub guitars and vocals onto audio tape. Went fully digital in 2000, now using another eJay programme that allowed duplex recording, a copy of Sound Forge, and a decent sound card that could make my midi conversions sound half-decent. Tentatively put my work online, and joined a lively and popular music community (since disbanded), which I look back upon with great fondness. Discovered VST technology, and finally gained the opportunity to create the sound I wanted - most equipment limitations removed. I'm now using a combination of Adobe Audition, Fruity Loops, and a host of VSTis and various effects processers... along with all my beloved and ageing instruments to produce my work. ... I still strive to create something that sounds truly original to me..... if I ever achieve it I'll be most disappointed.

I once had a friend called Deek, who had a shed. We'd sometime rehearse in his shed, back when I was in a band called Captain Comatose and the Surrogate Gerbils. One day, after the seventeenth unsuccessful take of the song 'Willy Miller the Glue Sniffer', we decided to air our efforts to the world at large, and so up we climbed onto the shed roof, complete with guitars, amps an milk bottles. This 'concert' was witnessed by two young urchins who lived next-door-but-one. One of these devilish young tykes later grew up to become a pipe fitter and welder in Penistone, whilst the other spend several years unemployed, before undertaking a vocational course in accountancy. He is currently employed as a casual dish washer in a three star hotel.

I like post punk, I like punk, I like anything that makes a noise, but my influnces as a whole are boringly ecclectic.

PC, some software, some guitars, a bass, even some old analogue keyboards.... other than that, anything that makes a noise when struck, twanged, beaten, dropped or otherwise mistreated along with a whole bunch of world percussion and ethnic instruments

Beards, porridge, clowns: The axis of evil.